is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
