he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
should my penis look like a turkey
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
