The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
