Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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