Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
