fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
