Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
