Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
