Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
