her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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