Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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