if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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