You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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