I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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