Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
