You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
nutella sex= disaster
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
