So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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