What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
