glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize