I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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