I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
