In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
