how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
