Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
God, I missed his penis.
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