Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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