how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
