You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
