did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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