saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
