I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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