Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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