i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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