I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
