Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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