I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
