she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
