farters have to be the big spoon...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
