life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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