mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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