Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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