Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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