i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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