when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
