You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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