feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
