my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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