Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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