Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
