I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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