There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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