Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize