Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
