i think i have two assholes
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
