I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
