Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
