i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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