Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
