Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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