Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
