Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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