Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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