the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
