Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
