I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
