i was born a porn star she said
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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