nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
