You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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