i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
