between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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