I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
