please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
