why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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